President Obama Today Has Nominated Jesus Christ to the Supreme Court.
Republicans Plan Filibuster
AP Monday, May 4, 2009
President Barack Obama has announced the nomination of Jesus Christ to replace retiring Justice David Souter.
Republicans hastily called a press conference to announce outrage at the selection, and announced a filibuster.
“Some say he talks with prostitutes†said Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky.) Newt Gingrich fumed, “He’s from the Middle East and could have some ties with terrorism that we don’t know aboutâ€. “I’ve heard he’s a wino and gets a little crazy at weddingsâ€, said Fox’s Bill O’Reilly, adding “he even claims he changes water into wineâ€.“He probably was drunk as a skunk when he had that delusionâ€, said guest windbag Ann Coulter. Republican leader Rep. John Boehner said that photos he saw suggest that Mr. Christ is untidy in appearance and apparently goes for weeks without shaving. “Personal hygiene is important, he insistedâ€. He also noted that the nominee is in his thirties and still single. “It shows a lack of family values. Or perhaps he’s just not interested in womenâ€, Boehner added, with a wink and a nasty sarcastic smile.
Even more troubling is his politics. “Oh, he’s a liberal alrightâ€, said conservative Senator Sam Brownback (R-Kansas). “I mean, ……. all this talk about loving thy neighbor and forgiveness. That’s just that kind of sissy talk that will invite another terrorist attackâ€. “We don’t need another human rights respecting wimp on the high courtâ€, he said. Chairman Michael Steele of the Republican National Committee said that Mr. Christ is nothing but a closeted socialist. It’s reported that Christ told some guy to sell all his things and give all the money to the poor. “Now reallyâ€, Steele added, “can you get more red than that?†Perhaps most offensive, the nominee reportedly refused to stone some floozy adulteress, which calls into question his dedication to our beloved death penalty laws, according to Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn. “I wouldn’t trust him as a judge in a dog contest, much less for a seat on the Supreme Courtâ€, Cornyn added.